Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
You Might Also Like
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
This kinda thing happens to me often
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
just pretend nothing happened
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.