I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,