4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.