Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?