me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
hmm conte-me mais
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!