[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
You Might Also Like
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
The struggle is real
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?