The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going