Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Well, shit
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*