*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
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