“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
can’t catch a break
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.