Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.