Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.