(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.