When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Why I divorced her.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full