I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.