Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.