In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling