Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Not all heroes wear capes….
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET