“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”