my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
You Might Also Like
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like