You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Every haunted house movie:
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print