the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.