I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.