I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
The future is now.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”