Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
You Might Also Like
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.