I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
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Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.