If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
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I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
three things we don’t talk about
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Lmao
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.