You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or