My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*