How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
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I’m giving up for Lent.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I triple waxed for this?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
For the ones in the back.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”