Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this