People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Y’all know who you are.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
That’s no pocket rocket.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Pringles
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
relationship goals
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop