Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Siri: Retweet me.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come