ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.