[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti