To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.