I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
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Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Breaking news:
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
sigh
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”