Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
A Short Story.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.