My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
This 4th of July, please remember…
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!