One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
You Might Also Like
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!