I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?