My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
You Might Also Like
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
How high do the levels go?
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?