*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’m listening
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
At least try to make it slightly believable
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.