Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
You can’t outrun your problems…
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*ernest hemingway voice*