[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
You Might Also Like
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
New tinder profile pic
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.