Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig