Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
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Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Brands during Pride
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.