My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
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When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.