[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME: