I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
You Might Also Like
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Nice try, NASA
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
This week’s mood.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Wait a second…
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)